


Rhythm Of Love

by genovianprince



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Dysphoria, Gender Dysphoria, Human Lotor (Voltron), M/M, Past Child Abuse, Smoking, Suicide Attempt, Trans Character, Trans Male Character, Trans Male Lance (Voltron), Trans Male Lotor (Voltron), lotor has a very bad time, thankfully he's got good friends and a cute boyfriend
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-17
Updated: 2018-08-19
Packaged: 2019-06-28 21:16:20
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 4
Words: 11,841
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15715239
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/genovianprince/pseuds/genovianprince
Summary: Lotor finally gets his chance to be free and move to a college far away from his parents. There, he meets a boy with stunning blue eyes and a shining grin, and his heart falls in love without his permission.It doesn't help that said boy likes oatmeal raisin cookies.





	1. Chapter One

**Author's Note:**

> Hey, I wrote this for the Give Lancelot Love bang so that there would be more sweet lancelot in the world! Satomi and Naoko are OC's property of my good friend amorremanet who let me borrow them briefly! I hope you guys all have a good read, but it is a bit of a heavy ride. Be careful but enjoy <3

Lotor sighed as he settled into his bed at the college dorm, looking at the four walls that would close him in for the next semester.    
  
He’d never felt both more confined and yet freer in his entire life. There was so much to fear, but so much to be excited about. He’d felt so suffocated at home, but here, he’d have to be ever vigilant. Nobody could find out what he was. And his roommate would be his most dangerous opponent in this dance of secrecy.   
  
Thank God it was at least a suite, which meant the bathroom and shower was limited to him and his roomie.   
  
After a few more moments, he sat up and went to check out the living area. It was the last day of moving week, after all, and as his roommate had yet to show up, surely he’d show up now. Or at least soon.   
  
Speak of the devil, a man only just a little shorter than Lotor stepped into the room, a shock of white hair splitting the black on his head in two parts. The long mess was tied into what must have been a rushed bun (Lotor refused to believe that someone would actually enjoy such a horribly done bun on their head).   
  
“Ah, hi. You must be Lotor Daibazaal,” he greeted, tapping the whiteboard on their door with his prosthetic. Their names had been scrawled on it haphazardly, probably by some harried RA.   
  
“Must make you Takashi Shirogane,” Lotor replied politely, smiling slightly. “Cool arm.”   
  
“Yeah? Designed it myself,” he admitted, blushing a little. “Call me Shiro. I’m here for the robotics program, if you couldn’t tell.” He flexed his robotic fingers.   
  
“You can just call me Lotor. I think calling me Dai would be weird,” he teased, surprised by how easy that joke had slipped from his mouth. “It doesn’t quite flow off the tongue like the first syllable of your name.”   
  
Shiro snorted. “That’s fair,” he agreed. “Anyway, good to meet you. I’ll be back in a bit, I gotta go help my aunts help me get my stuff in. Wanted to make sure I had the right room first.” With a wave, he disappeared again.   
  
Maybe his roommate wouldn’t be as bad he’d thought. He spent some time fiddling on his phone, mindlessly scrolling through his verified twitter and rolling his eyes at every ridiculous tweet his father made regarding his politics.    
  
God, he hated this. Still in chains even though he was finally out from under the intense eye of Zarkon. He could decorate his room how he liked, do what he wanted behind closed doors without fear of Zarkon peeking his ugly head in. His online presence still had to be tended to carefully, but otherwise… As long as he didn’t show any public affection to anyone not appearing female. As long as he didn’t come out. As long he didn’t contradict his father too harshly in public… That could potentially spell problems for him at home  _ and _ at Kaltenecker U. At least Acxa, Ezor, Zethrid, and Narti were attending with him. They would stand by him.   
  
Lotor sighed, massaging his temples. He really needed to stop stressing himself out so much. He could be paranoid later. Surely more memorable things would happen on moving day than Lotor accidentally making an ass of himself, even if something like that  _ did _ happen. Which it wouldn’t. He was calm. He was composed. He was graceful, delicate.   
  
His lips lifted into an amused smirk at the old mantra, turning to his room to double check his socks-and-underwear drawer — yes, the ballerina Barbie was still there, safely tucked away. He honestly had no idea how’d managed to keep this old toy hidden from his father all these years, but he was grateful he had, even if he wasn’t quite sure  _ why _ . Maybe some kind of remembrance thing? Some part of him felt sick for wanting to remember, another part indignantly reminded him that men didn’t play with dolls, as his father always bellowed while Lotor was growing up —

_ “If you want to be a man, then goddamnit, you better fucking act like one!” _ _  
_ _  
_ Lotor winced, pushing away the memory and the queasiness. He was an adult now. Adults could do as they liked, and if he wanted to have a doll, then fuck you, Zarkon, he’d have a doll, no matter much part of him quaked in fear that someone would find out and immediately get after him for being “sissy”, or worse, uncovering both secrets and lording it over him, denying his identity, spreading it around —   
  
He clenched his teeth and exhaled sharply.  _ Stop. You have nothing to be so anxious about. Just stay vigilant and nothing can go wrong. _   
  
Relaxing, he hid the Barbie again and shut the drawer, padding into the main room again and pausing as he saw…  _ What. _   
  
“Er… didn’t you have, uh… A prosthetic arm?” he asked Shiro, bewildered.   
  
Shiro smirked, flexing his miraculously fleshy fingers. “Oh? I think you might need to see a doctor, Lotor, if you’re having hallucinations like that—”   
  
“Ryou, stop it,” Shiro called from the doorway, and Lotor swore he got whiplash from how fast he looked between the two Shiro-people before it clicked.  _ Duh. _   
  
“I have a twin too,” he commented, snorting. “But we’re not identical, so we could never pull off something like that. We are pretty close to looking alike, but I turned out more brown than he did.”  _ Bastard. Sincline and his stupid “burnt toast” jokes. _   
  
Shiro grinned, squeezing through the doorway with two boxes, followed by who must have been his aunts with another box each.   
  
“I’m Ryou. Nice to meet you, Lotor,” Ryou said, chuckling a little and holding out his hand. Lotor shook it. “I couldn’t resist. Do you know how often I get to pull that joke?”   
  
“Not often enough,” chorused the rest of the family.   
  
“And if we can say it like that, you get to do it often enough,” one of the aunts said dryly, setting own her box next to Ryou’s. “I’m Naoko.”   
  
“I’m Satomi,” the other one chirped, placing her box down and sliding an arm around the waist of her wife.   
  
The action made Lotor’s lip curl automatically before he abruptly remembered Zarkon wasn’t there. He didn’t have to worry about it. He shook his head slightly and smiled.   
  
“It’s nice to meet you, as well,” he said truthfully, trying to ignore the way Ryou’s eyes narrowed at him. “I—”   
  
“Do you have a problem, Lotor?” Ryou asked, venom dripping from his tone. “With my happily in love aunts?”   
  
_ Quiznak.  _ Lotor shook his head more vigorously this time, taking half a step back. “No, not at all.” God, how was he going to explain this without explaining a very painful detail of his life?   
  
“Uh-huh.” Ryou gave him an unimpressed look. “And what was that sneer a moment ago? Wait. Lotor  _ Daibazaal _ . Like…  _ Zarkon Daibazaal.  _ Republican senator.”   
  
Jesus, Lotor didn’t think he’d be getting the third degree so soon. He panicked, not wanting a fight to break out, even if he figured he had a good chance of winning. “Please, I’m nothing like him. I don’t think at all like he does. But I… if I want to attend college, I have to pretend otherwise around him.” There, that should be enough. Just enough to get the point across without having to deal with more.   
  
Shiro nudged Ryou. “Calm down, man. You don’t have to terrify my roommate.” He gave him a look, one that Lotor recognized. A “we’ll talk later” look.   
  
“Don’t worry, sweetie,” Satomi said, “Ryou’s all bark and no bite. Growing up with who you did, I don’t blame you for having certain reactions just ingrained in you.”   
  
Naoko nodded. “No worries, big guy.”   
  
Lotor relaxed a little, smiling again. “Okay. Thank you,” he said with a sigh, “It really is nice to meet you.”   
  
“And you,” Satomi replied, beaming. “Oh! Hold on, I left just one thing in the car. Be right back!” She zoomed off and Shiro shook his head.   
  
“I know it’s the last day of move-ins and there’s a bunch of people milling about who’d probably let her in, but I should go and make sure she can get in. Swipe my ID on the door and all that,” Shiro said, striding out of the room.   
  
“I should probably go after them,” Naoko sighed, “Knowing Satomi, she’ll be too excited to even remember to shut the car door, let alone lock it.” With that, she followed after them.   
  
And Lotor felt uncomfortable again. Great.   
  
Ryou gave Lotor a side-eye. “So… Your dad’s paying for this, huh?”   
  
Lotor bit back a sarcastic response — the last thing he needed was to piss off his roommate’s brother. “Yes. Frankly, he doesn’t really give me enough of an allowance to pay for college, and I certainly wouldn’t qualify for any scholarships because of my father’s ability to pay for it. So, if I want my education, I have to stay attached to him,” he explained, sensing that Ryou wasn’t about to let this go. Lotor couldn’t find the heart to really blame him for that, considering what had just happened. Still, he wished Ryou would just lay off it. “It’s not my favorite thing in the world, but it’s better than starting out life thousands of dollars in debt. At least I have food money.”   
  
Ryou offered a weak smile. “Yeah, I get it,” he sighed, trying to throw out his initial impression, “My aunts are helping Shiro and I a  _ lot _ . We’ve saved up some money from high school and summer jobs, but they’re taking the bulk of it. I feel indebted to them no matter how much they say there’s no need to.” He ran a hand through his hair. “And I actually like them.” He smiled ruefully.   
  
Lotor snorted, offering a tentative smile back. “Well, it is what it is. Hopefully soon, I’ll manage to save enough to live away from him and by my own ideals.”   
  
“College is a good place to start. But hey, since you’re here all alone, why don’t you tag along with Shiro and I? Knowing him, he’s not going to unpack until he goes to bed and realizes he never put sheets on his mattress,” Ryou said, laughing. “We’re going to hang out with his boyfriend, maybe his new roommate, too. They got all moved in at the start of the week, but they bicker a lot, so I’m not sure.”   
  
Lotor thought for a moment, considering that. It  _ would _ be good to start building some kind of rapport with his roommate, and making some other friends would be good. Start networking.    
  
_ Or you could just be friends with these people and stop thinking about in terms like that _ , said a part of his mind irritably.  _ Do you really want to be your father? Because that’s a good way to to start down that path: by thinking of people in terms of assets and not people. Just go have fun. _   
  
“Alright. Sounds like fun,” he said, sliding his hands into his pockets. “Did you have a plan?”   
  
“Shiro said mini-golf.” Ryou shrugged. “Not my cup of tea, but it’s one of his favorite things. And it’s quieter than bowling, so at least Keith wouldn’t get bothered by the noise. You might want to get out of those long clothes, by the way. It’s eighty something degrees outside.”   
  
Lotor shook his head. “No, no, I’ll be fine like this,” he said, “I always run pretty cold.”   
  
Ryou’s brows went up. “Really? You anemic or something?”   
  
“Yes,” Lotor replied, latching onto the easy lie instantly, “Always cold because of it, supplements or no. Trust me, I’ll be fine out there. Besides, at least I have a good aesthetic.”   
  
Ryou snorted. “Okay, man. If you’re sure.”   
  
Satomi, Naoko, and Shiro returned, Satomi holding a wrapped up plate of cookies.   
  
“Was the car door successfully shut?” Lotor asked Naoko, grinning when Satomi blushed.   
  
“Yes,” Naoko said with a laugh, “No thanks to Satomi.”   
  
“Hey, at least I could bake the cookies,” Satomi shot back, placing the plate in the kitchenette.   
  
Shiro shook his head, laughing. “I’m gonna miss you guys so much,” he said, pulling them both into a hug. Ryou joined them and Lotor looked away awkwardly, feeling as if he was intruding.   
  
“We’re not that far from here, you know. You can still come home on the weekends,” Satomi murmured.   
  
“Yeah, still,” Ryou said, “It’s gonna be weird not having you around at all.”   
  
Satomi pressed a kiss to Ryou’s forehead, having to stretch up. Naoko, even shorter than her wife, simply tugged Shiro down to give him a forehead kiss.   
  
“It’s going to be weird not having you two at home,” Naoko whispered, “But it’s going to be good for you guys. And us. Look at you, all grown up.”   
  
“Aunt Naoko,” Shiro groaned, smiling and shaking his head, “We’ll always be your little shit nephews.”   
  
Ryou laughed. “Oh yeah, expect terrible shenanigans.”   
  
“Of course, You’re going to college now. In a dorm. Where most certainly will be people over 21 who are buying alcohol and sharing it,” Satomi teased, “If I don’t get a drunken phone call by the end of the month, I’ll be disowning you both.”   
  
“Don’t worry, I’ll send a video of Shiro doing a keg stand,” Ryou deadpanned.   
  
“Hey, why am  _ I _ doing the keg stand?” Shiro asked petulantly.   
  
“Shiro, you literally said last night that the first thing you wanted to do at college was attend a frat party and do a keg stand,” Ryou replied, rolling his eyes.   
  
Naoko shook her head, laughing. “Do you think we told them the story of how we met too many times?” she asked ruefully, “I know Shiro already has Keith, though, so maybe Ryou should do the keg stand and he’ll spot his future lover across the room.”   
  
“Ooh, now there’s a prediction,” Satomi teased, “I bet that’s exactly what will happen.”   
  
Ryou sighed. “What did I start?” he asked, looking up at the ceiling.   
  
Shiro snickered, pulling them together for another hug. “I love you,” he said. “So much.”   
  
“We love you two too, kiddo,” Satomi said fondly, allowing herself to be squeezed for a few more moments before gently extricating herself and her wife from the hug. “We gotta get going now, but you boys enjoy those cookies. Don’t forget to share.”   
  
“Especially with your roommate over there,” Naoko said, nodding to Lotor, who blushed. “You’re far too skinny, young man.”   
  
“Uh, well, I,” he stammered, not sure what exactly to say to that.   
  
“Naoko, please, let’s not make Shiro’s roommate hate us all before it’s even been a full hour,” Satomi joked, “Goodbye, all of you. Shiro, Ryou, don’t forget to call us, okay?”   
  
“As if we could. You’ve said that about five times a day since we decided to go, even though we can still spend weekends with you,” Shiro said with a laugh, kissing his aunts on their cheeks. Ryou followed suit.   
  
“Bye, Aunt Naoko, Aunt Satomi,” they said together, waving as the women left.   
  
Lotor wished he’d had an interaction like that. Something… happy. Zarkon had just left Lotor to take all his own things in, saying, “A man has to be perfectly independent, Lotor, you know what happens if you can’t do this”. Not even an “I’ll miss you, call me.” And Lotor was on the other side of the country for this college.   
  
He still wasn’t sure if he was allowed out here because his parents  _ wanted _ him far away or just  _ didn’t care _ .   
  
Shiro turned back to Lotor, smiling. “Sorry about that. They think  _ everyone _ is skinny, except Ryou and me.” He patted his slightly pudgy abdomen for emphasis, shrugging. “I used to be obsessed with having abs but they were actually... A bit uncomfortable to have.”   
  
“He means he prefered being able to binge on Oreos whenever he wanted,” Ryou said dryly.   
  
Shiro smacked his arm playfully. “Dude!”   
  
Lotor snickered. “Nice, boys, really nice. I haven’t known you for very long and you’re already exposing each other’s darkest secrets,” he teased, heading over to the plate of cookies. “Mind I have one?”   
  
“Go ahead. Knowing Aunt Satomi, she’ll have another plate for us when we visit next weekend anyway, and she’ll probably say something like ‘oh, Shiro, you make sure that roommate of yours gets some of these, he’s too skinny’,” Shiro laughed. “Seriously, though? Eat as many as you want.”   
  
Lotor’s brows rose, but he only took one and took a bite, grinning at the taste. “Oh, I see. Not a big fan of oatmeal raisin?”   
  
“Not when it’s masquerading as chocolate chip,” Ryou said with disgust.   
  
Lotor chuckled and chewed happily. “I love both. Oatmeal raisin is delicious.” The first cookie disappeared faster than Lotor had thought it could and he tentatively picked up a second one.   
  
“Nah, I’m not a big fan, but I’m not hurting Aunt Satomi’s feelings over it,” Shiro shrugged, “They’re  _ nice _ even if they’re not high on my list of favorites, though.”   
  
Lotor nodded as he bit into the second cookie.   
  
There was a knock at the door, still open, but Lotor appreciated the politeness, definitely. He looked to the doorway to see two men standing there — one of them being perhaps one of the most gorgeous men Lotor had ever seen in his whole life. He almost choked on his cookie in shock.   
  
“Hey Keith, hey Lance,” Shiro greeted, “Come on in. We were just about ready to talk about going to the mini-golf place.”   
  
Keith smiled slightly and went to peck Shiro on the cheek. “Sounds good to me. Lance and I are ready to go. Even if he’s being a pain.”   
  
“Wow, okay, rude,” Lance scoffed, “I see how it is, Kogane. Just for that, I’m ignoring you.”   
  
“Thank God,” Keith muttered, rolling his eyes.   
  
Lance made a pained noise and his eyes landed on Lotor. “Whoa, Shiro, you got a total  _ babe _ for a roommate. Lotor, right? It’s on the door,” he said, smiling charmingly. “Nice to meet you, beautiful.”   
  
Lotor blushed, swallowing his bite of cookie. “Ah, hello. I presume you’re Lance. I, uh, nice to meet you, too… handsome?”   
  
Lance blushed and opened his mouth, but Keith cut across anything he might have been about to say.   
  
“Lance, would you stop flirting with everything that has two legs?” he said irritably.   
  
Lotor winced internally. Oh. So the interest wasn’t that genuine, then. That was alright… He really didn’t need to fall for a guy and piss off his father, anyway. He knew he was bi, and he was fine with that, but his father…    
  
“Hey, if a beautiful alien had four legs, don’t you dare think I wouldn’t flirt with them, too,” Lance shot back, smirking as Keith rolled his eyes again.   
  
“Anyway, I invited Lotor to mini-golf with us,” Ryou interrupted, “Matt, my roommate, is busy with his sister and her friend Hunk, or else I’d’ve asked them to tag along.”   
  
“Hey, I don’t mind having an extra hottie with us,” Lance grinned. “We’ll be a walking group of eye candy.”   
  
Lotor stifled a laugh by eating the rest of his cookie.   
  
“I’m fine with that,” Shiro laughed. “Eye candy is better than them treating us like actual candy.”   
  
“Shiro, please. We don’t need you quoting Willy Wonka from the  _ bad _ Charlie and the Chocolate Factory,” Keith said, eyes sparkling with mirth. “So you’re all ready to go then?”   
  
“Let me grab my wallet and I’ll be good,” Lotor said, hurrying to get his wallet and car keys from his room. He stuffed them in his pocket and came back.   
  
“Alright, let’s go,” Lance chirped, heading out the door with a cookie in his hand.   
  
Lotor side-eyed the plate himself but decided he didn’t need a third, following the group out. Keith hopped on his motorcycle and Shiro sat behind him, hugging Keith close. Lotor scanned the lot, trying to remember where he’d parked his car when Ryou gestured to him and he blinked.   
  
“Well, come on, did you think I was going to make you drive? Shiro and I have a car. He just likes riding with Keith when he can,” Ryou said, “You too, Lance, hop in.”   
  
He opened the door of a nearby car and Lance shot forward. “I call shotgun!” he crowed, making Ryou roll his eyes.   
  
“Nobody does that anymore,” he said.   
  
Lotor laughed and climbed into the backseat, buckling up. “I assure you, they do. My friends and I play that game all the time.”   
  
Lance sent a triumphant smirk to Ryou, taking a bite of the cookie with a happy groan. “Oatmeal raisin cookies get a bad rap,” he said, “My mom makes the best ones, but these are pretty good.”   
  
“Oh, God, I’m in a car with  _ heathens _ ,” Ryou groaned as he started the car and followed Keith’s motorcycle out.   
  
Lotor laughed. “Sorry, Ryou. Maybe it’s your cosmic karma for trying to trick me into thinking you were Shiro earlier, you brat,” he said a little smugly.   
  
“Hey, he did it to me, too. Thankfully Keith was there and just said to him ‘I’m pretty sure you’re not the one I’m going to be dicking down in the dorms, Ryou’,” Lance snickered.   
  
“Okay, damn, is it Call Out Ryou Day?” Ryou grumbled, “I’ve just met you guys and you’re already ganging up on me.”   
  
“That’s just what you get for hating oatmeal raisin cookies. I don’t make the rules,” Lance said, twisting in his seat to grin at Lotor and offer his hand for a high five.   
  
Lotor high-fived him and chuckled. “Lance and I just met, too, and I’ve already decided he’d be fun to gang up on other people with.”   
  
Lance blushed slightly, still grinning. “Awesome. You can help me taunt Keith about Shiro.”   
  
They continued chatting on their way to the mini-golf place, and Lotor found himself liking Lance more and more.  _ Shit _ . He tried to bury the feelings of the crush he could feel himself developing, but found himself unsuccessful. Lance was loud and fun and basically the opposite of every girl Zarkon had tried to push on Lotor. Dramatic, too. He reminded Lotor of Ezor, really, except Lance was more... Brash? Was that the right term? Either way, Lance just drew Lotor in and he wanted more. Which scared him. Having a boyfriend would most certainly get Zarkon trying to force Lotor to de-transition or some bullshit. But... he  _ was _ eighteen. Lotor had everything he valued with him here at the college. His car was in his name. Insurance would be a bitch to find money for, and taking out loans for college would be ridiculously hard on him. But… he  _ could _ get out.   
  
It was absolutely ridiculous to be thinking of jeopardizing what he had over a boy he just met today, though. He rolled his eyes at himself. Making a plan was all well and good, but he wouldn’t do it just because he had a silly crush on a silly boy. Nothing would come of it anyway; Keith had said that Lance flirted with everything and Lance admitted it. Maybe if things came to fruition later he could think about it, but certainly not  _ now _ .   
  
Then Lance beamed at him and Lotor felt his heart melt.   
  
_ Quiznak _ . He was totally screwed.   
  
By the time they all got set up on the course, Lotor was thoroughly convinced Lance was going to flirt him to death. He’d never felt so flattered in his life, even though he brushed off the romantic interest as fake or just surface level. It was nice, just... Unrealistic.    
  
Watching Lance flail every time he failed to get the ball to do what he wanted was endearing and hilarious, though. After the fifth hole, Lotor shook his head when it was Lance’s turn and came up behind him.   
  
“Here,” he said, laying his hands over Lance’s, chest pressed to his back, “Like this.” He helped Lance swing gently and managed to earn him a hole-in-one.

*****   
  
“Oh.” Lance blushed, not wanting Lotor to let go. “Uh, thanks. A lot.”   
  
“You’re welcome,” Lotor said warmly, stepping away from Lance. “My father used to take my brother and I golfing a lot. I know more than I ever would care to know about it.” He laughed softly and swung at his own ball, not noticing the blush on Lance’s face or the stunned look.   
  
Keith, however, noticed, and he ambled over to Lance and gently elbowed his side. “Sooo… You like pretty boy, huh? Was it love at first touch?” he teased.   
  
Lance spluttered at him. “Oh, you, you… Shut up,” he huffed, crossing his arms. “He’s… very nice. And funny. I like him. And he totally pulled  _ the move _ on me with that!”   
  
Keith snorted. “Or maybe he was sick of your constant whining because you can’t golf.”   
  
“I choose to believe otherwise,” Lance said airily as they moved along to the next hole, “Besides, he likes oatmeal raisin cookies.  _ Oatmeal raisin _ , Keith. We’re clearly meant to be.”


	2. Chapter Two

August bled into September. Lotor’s grades were steady and his friend circle had grown unexpectedly. Funnily enough, the girls from home got along easily with his new group. Also, he was pretty certain Zethrid was making heart-eyes at one of her classmates, Allura, who’d turned out to be Lance’s ex. They were still on friendly terms, so naturally Lotor and Lance had started conspiring to get Allura and Zethrid together.   
  
It was still swelteringly hot outside. Lotor got questioned on his long clothing all the time, but he dismissed it easily. Plenty of other people obviously wore them, too, and probably for the reasons Lotor put forth instead of the ones he hid. His fingers played idly with the hem of his sleeve, thrilling himself with peaks at his scars in the middle of class. He didn’t want to be found out, but the threat…. The threat was fun.   
  
God, he probably needed a therapist. Or to just stop being such an attention-seeking teen girl.   
  
_ Stop _ , he told himself fiercely,  _ Zarkon can’t touch you here. You don’t have to berate yourself like that. _ _   
_ _   
_ He sighed when the teacher finally dismissed class, sliding his laptop back into his bag and trudging to his dorm. A shower sounded perfect right about then, honestly. He was hot and gross.   
  
Lotor keyed the door open and tossed his bag in his room, getting clean clothes and a towel from the clean pile (oh, how his mother would throw a fit if she saw him acting like a slob!) and then heading into the bathroom.   
  
The shower took longer than he had first anticipated, but eventually he stepped out.  _ Ugh _ . He didn’t have the energy to try and towel off and get dressed now, so he sat on the edge of the tub and just started playing with his phone for a bit. He was probably a little too addicted to Candy Crush.   
  
Shiro swung the door open and Lotor made a sound that could only be described as angry Donald Duck quacks at the sudden invasion of his privacy and inability to grab a towel to cover himself in time.   
  
“Oh, shit!” Shiro cursed, eyes wide as he froze for a moment, staring at Lotor as he managed to wrangle his towel. After a moment, he somehow shut the door. “Oh, God, Lotor, I’m so sorry!”   
  
Lotor felt sick. Shiro had  _ seen _ him, he knew — he knew everything. He’d seen Lotor’s scars and small, perfectly circle-shaped burns, he’d seen the lack of a penis,  _ someone knew his two best kept secrets in one stupid accident. _   
  
Mechanically, he dried and dressed, mouth dry and heart racing. Wrapping his hair up in his towel, he quietly exited the bathroom and sat by Shiro on the couch. With a faint note of amusement, he noticed how Shiro’s organic fingers couldn’t stop tapping his own knee.   
  
Shiro looked over to Lotor, biting his lip. “I’m  _ so _ sorry,” he apologized again, going to gesture with his right arm before he remembered his arm was across the room, charging. “I didn’t realize you were in there and… I’m not gonna tell anyone, you know. That’d be really horrible. But if you wanna talk about it, I’m here. And if you don’t, that’s okay too. I mean, I know we’re not exactly close, but… We  _ are _ friends.”   
  
Lotor smiled weakly. “Thank you,” he murmured, sighing. “I just… I appreciate that you won’t tell anyone. I’m obviously a very stealth trans person. I don’t want that to be knowledge to anyone but those closest to me. I suppose that includes you, now.” He smiled a bit wider, nudging Shiro gently.   
  
Shiro smiled tentatively back. “And… the scars?” he prompted gently, taking Lotor’s hand and squeezing it.   
  
Lotor’s jaw tightened, a muscle twitching as he swallowed heavily. “Some…. Some are me. Some are from my father. He… When he found out I was...cut-cutting, he decided if I wanted pain so badly I’d have to learn to  _ take it like a man _ and  _ stop acting like such a dramatic teenage girl _ . And he… uses that ‘girl’ thing as a subtle threat against who I am,” he explained, biting his tongue slightly to keep himself grounded. “So… I had to let him hurt me. Even more than he already was.” His lip curled in disgust.   
  
“Why didn’t you ever — never mind, stupid question. He’s too powerful, huh?”   
  
Lotor nodded, sighing sadly. “Exactly.”   
  
Shiro released Lotor’s hand and pulled him into a hug. “It’s gonna be okay, Lotor. You’re gonna get out of this just fine. You made it this far. You’re strong, okay?” he whispered.   
  
Lotor stiffened for a moment at the contact like he always did, but melted into the hug, pressing his face into Shiro’s shoulder and shaking with suppressed sobs. “Thank you. It… helps, having friends like you. And Acxa and them.”   
  
“Yeah. You’ve got tons of people who’ll help you if something happens, now,” he pointed out, “If you ever wanna leave, I’m pretty sure we’ll all have your back.” He scrunched his nose up slightly as he attempted to rub Lotor’s back with the arm that was  _ still _ across the room and plugged in and used his left arm instead.   
  
And that broke the dam. Lotor sobbed, quietly at first, until Shiro’s quiet comfort gently encouraged him to just let go fully, sobbing harshly into Shiro’s shoulder. Pent up rage, frustration, and tears he’d not let himself cry for years poured out in one big, ugly mess. Shiro held him quietly the whole time, just being there for him.   
  
When Lotor finally pulled back, he grabbed a tissue to blow his nose and gazed ruefully at the wet splotch he'd left on Shiro's shoulder. "I'm sorry about that," he murmured, wiping at his eyes.   
  
Shiro shook his head. "Dude, it's a shirt. I don't care. It's called laundry," he joked.   
  
Lotor let out a little chuckle, blowing his nose again. "I haven't cried in years," he admitted in a mutter, resting his elbows on his knees and face in his hands. "Father always told me... I know it's ridiculous now, but  _ crying is for girls _ and I had  _ better shape up or else, because men don't cry _ ."    
  
"Your father is a flaming pile of rotten horse shit," Shiro said bluntly, "Men can cry and having emotions doesn't make you any less of a man. It doesn't invalidate your identity."   
  
Lotor shuddered, shifting slightly to glance up at Shiro from his hands. "I'm trying to remember that," he said quietly, "It's... difficult, for obvious reasons. But I love hearing it. It helps when it's not just... my own mind battling itself."   
  
"Yeah, well. You ever need to hear something like that, you can always ask me. I'm not an asshole," Shiro said, making Lotor laugh.   
  
"Well, thank you, Shiro. I really appreciate that." He smiled, nudging Shiro's shoulder with his. "I'm sure if I wake Acxa up with another text like that at three AM she'd come over and smother me with a pillow."   
  
Shiro laughed, shaking his head. "I doubt  _ that _ , Lotor, but okay. Whatever keeps you un-murdered. I'm sure  _ Lance _ would prefer to keep you alive," he teased.   
  
Lotor blushed and he hid his face in his hands again. "Am I that obvious?"   
  
"Lotor. This morning, you literally walked right into a telephone pole, staring at Lance in his new sundress because he looked fabulous in it," Shiro said dryly.   
  
Lotor groaned, face turning red. "Seriously? You saw that? Why didn't you say anything?" he whined.   
  
"Because I was late for class." Shiro patted Lotor's shoulder. "I can't believe you haven't seen the signs that  _ he's _ been giving off. Seriously, he's super into you. You know Hunk and Pidge? According to them, they've never seen him crushing so hard on someone since Allura."   
  
Lotor looked up again, peeking through his fingers. "Really? He... Likes me? But I can't..." He trailed off, dropping his hands with a sigh.   
  
"Why not? He's cute, he likes you, you like him..." Shiro wiggled his eyebrows. "You guys get along like a house on fire. But... Uh, is there a nicer analogy than that? Because a house on fire is a bad thing... Uh, hm. Oh, you know what, you get along like cheetahs and dogs."   
  
Lotor blinked. "I'm sorry, cheetahs and dogs?"   
  
"Yeah. Cheetahs are apparently super nervous, and to help them breed in zoos, they get their own therapy dogs to help them relax. There's videos all over the internet. It's super cute," Shiro explained, "Ah, but we're getting off topic. You and Lance would be super good for each other. Why not ask him out?"   
  
"Because..." Lotor sighed, pulling his legs up on the couch and hugging them, "I'm scared. I know I'm bi, but I'm also trans. I shouldn't... If I start dating Lance, publicly? And believe me, there's no secret-keeping something like that at college, then Father is... He'd threaten me, you know? And... I know I'm eighteen, technically an adult, and he doesn't have any  _ technical _ power over me... But try telling that to the terrified part of my brain. There's so much he  _ could _ do anyway. And as he's threatened to out me before, I know if I did something this big, he'd absolutely go through on that threat. So... Dating anyone who doesn't present as female? It's quite a large decision with a wide impact."   
  
"Jesus." Shiro furrowed his brow and sighed, pulling out his phone and firing some texts back and forth "I'm sorry. I wish it was easier on you. You sure you couldn't try to do it in secret, or something? I mean, all of us could keep it on the down-low."   
  
Lotor sighed, resting his head on the back of the couch. "Maybe. I'll think about it. But if I'm so blatant about my crush on him, then surely dating him, I'd get more obvious?"   
  
"Not necessarily. But I won't push you," Shiro assured him, "But, hey? I went out and got some groceries after class... Which included some Oreo ice cream. We could turn on Netflix, watch a couple of Disney movies, and just eat our feelings."   
  
Lotor snorted, laughing as he stood up. "Alright. I don't have any homework due terribly soon. I can waste a night making myself feel better."   
  
"It’s not a waste, it's self-care," Shiro corrected, "It took me a long time to accept that kinda stuff after... my parents died, but I got a good therapist. And I slip. But tonight we're not gonna worry about that stuff. We're gonna eat tons of ice cream, watch our favorite movies, and stay up until three in the morning. But first, I really gotta pee." He laughed sheepishly and stood up, heading to the bathroom.   
  
"Sounds good to me. I'll set up the Netflix." Lotor smiled again and stretched, humming lightly as he turned on the TV and flipped to Netflix. After getting a movie buffering, he shook his hair from the towel and put it in their laundry basket.   
  
A couple hours later, tubs of half finished ice cream on their laps, someone knocked on their door.   
  
"S'open," Shiro called out lazily as they surfed for a different Disney movie.   
  
Keith opened the door and raised a brow at the scene before him, taking a moment to really look before he started speaking. He noted that Lotor had definitely been crying — he still had tear tracks on his face.   
  
“So, Shiro, I see you had better things to do than remember our date?” he asked casually, stepping inside.   
  
Shiro paled. “Oh, crap, Keith, I’m so sorry—”   
  
“Shiro, don’t worry about it,” he interrupted, “Seriously. I can tell something went down. I wish you’d texted me, but it’s alright. You’re forgiven. Mind if I join?”   
  
Lotor and Shiro exchanged a glance and Lotor shrugged. “I don’t mind,” he said.   
  
“Cool.” Keith glanced around for Shiro’s arm and nodded to it with a questioning look on his face. When Shiro nodded back, he took it from the charger and brought it over, letting Shiro attach it and lifting the ice cream tub before settling himself in Shiro’s lap.   
  
“Oh, shit, forgot the door,” Keith groaned when he realized. He didn’t feel like getting up, but thankfully, he didn’t have to.   
  
Lance popped into the doorway, grinning widely. “Hey guys, having a party without me? So rude,” he joked.   
  
Shiro nudged Lotor, grinning. “Wanna join us? You gotta shut the door, though. We’re eating ice cream and watching Disney.”   
  
“Oh hell yes. Hey, does Netflix have Aristocats? That one is my favorite,” Lance said, shutting the door behind him as he stepped in and went to the fridge to get his own tub. Hey, Shiro had  _ totally _ offered!   
  
Lotor’s eyes lit up. “Really? That’s my favorite, too! You know, I’ll search for it. If that’s okay with you two?” he asked, glancing to Shiro and Keith.   
  
Keith shrugged. “Dunno, never saw it.”   
  
Lance gasped dramatically as he wandered back from the kitchenette with his tub and spoon, sitting beside Lotor. “Oh, we are  _ so _ showing you the magical world of these beautiful cats.” He glanced at the Oreo ice cream tub, then back to Shiro, and then back to the tub. “Oh my god. Shiro, did you fucking dye your hair like that because you love Oreos so much?”   
  
“Wha —  _ no _ ,” Shiro spluttered, turning a little red. “That’s silly. I thought it looked cool.”   
  
Lotor raised a brow as he tapped on  _ The Aristocats _ , blessedly on Netflix, and pulled his phone from his pocket as the movie loaded. A quick text to Ryou, and a text back almost immediately.   
  
“Ryou says yes, that’s the reason,” Lotor said, smirking at Shiro.   
  
Keith snorted, kissing his boyfriend’s cherry-red cheek. “Sorry, babe. Your brother ratted you out this time, not me.”   
  
“Well, Ryou dyed his hair like mine so he could keep up the stupid twin swapping joke,” Shiro huffed.   
  
Lance snorted, casually cuddling into Lotor’s side. “Well, we know it was all based on Oreos now anyway. By the way, good ice cream choice.”   
  
Lotor blushed slightly as Lance cuddled into him and resolutely stared at the TV, ignoring Shiro’s raised brows and teasing grin. The movie started and he slowly put an arm around Lance to make the cuddling easier, blushing even deeper.   
  
_ Whatever Shiro said, Lance is not interested _ , he told himself sternly.   
  
Then Lance sighed happily and wiggled closer and Lotor suddenly wasn’t so sure. But either way, he just…  _ couldn’t _ . Not yet. He had no idea how to even date someone, and the fallout with his parents… he was terrified, even with his suddenly much larger friend circle to rally behind. There was  _ so much _ to suffer from.   
  
_ But you’d finally be  _ **_free_ ** , whispered a very convincing voice in his head,  __ People will forget and move on. You’ll be free. Happy.   
  
He refused to let himself sigh, spooning more ice cream into his mouth and singing along to the songs with Lance and Shiro. He’d think about it more later.    



	3. Chapter Three

As time marched on and October swept in, finally bringing cooler temperatures with it and letting Lotor get away with his long clothes without daily questions, he thought.  
  
He thought about Lance and the way Lance’s whole face lit up when he smiled. He thought about the way Lance always danced like nobody was watching, even when _everyone_ was watching, because he was just that good. He thought about the way Lance smiled at _him_ , all soft and sweet. He thought about how Lance blustered and had some issues with temper and he turned around and did his best to make up for it later.  
  
He thought about how much he wanted to kiss Lance and take him on cute dates and probably have sex with him. His knees went a little weak at the thought of Lance on top of him, pounding him into the mattress, and for once he was happy he didn’t actually have a penis, because getting an erection in the middle of class would be embarrassing.  
  
Ooh, the thought of wearing a strap on and Lance under him was quite enticing, too. He wondered what sorts of faces Lance would make before he abruptly shook his head and tried to focus on class.  
  
Then Professor Ryner dismissed them and he blinked. Oh, well. He could ask Narti about their homework later, since they shared the class. First, he had to find Lance. He’d finally made his decision.  
  
He'd ask Lance out and damn the consequences. He couldn't live his life in fear forever. And Zarkon, sadly, wasn't going to just up and die anytime soon. He was going to be _happy_. Life wasn't going to wait for him, after all.  
  
...God, but it was going to hurt. His steps slowed as the thoughts of of his coming suffering started drowning him and he rubbed at his forearm, wishing he had a blade so he could just _release the thoughts_.  
  
The tap on his shoulder scared him and he jumped nearly a foot in the air, turning to see Narti raising her brow at him.  
  
"Ah, hello, Narti," he said, smiling awkwardly. "Something you needed?"  
  
 _The fuck is up with you?_ she signed, huffing at him, _You looked happy in class and then you started to look like shit as you walked out._  
  
"Blunt as ever, I see," Lotor said, sighing. "I... I want to ask Lance out, but... You know."  
  
Her face softened a little. _Yeah. I know. But I also know that you'd be happy, and you have plenty of friends willing to support you._  
  
Lotor smiled slightly. "I appreciate that," he said sincerely.   
  
_Whatever happens, Lotor, we're here for you._ She smiled slightly back and patted his shoulder. _Now go get that dick, okay?_ _  
_  
"Narti!" he exclaimed, shocked and laughing. "First I need him to like me."  
  
Narti just raised a brow again. Lotor stared, raising a brow back as he waited for her sign something. Then she turned and walked away.  
  
“Very mature of you. Why don’t you ask _Hunk_ out already, since you’re so insistent on being in my love life?” he called after her, scoffing as she flipped him off over her shoulder, “Really?”  
  
He shook his head and turned back on his path, headed for the dorms. Even with the boost from Narti, the thoughts started clawing at his mind again and he detoured to his room first, instead of going to Lance’s.  
  
 _Release release release rele_ ** _ase releASE RELEASE RELEASE_** _  
__  
_The unending thought chanted in his head, getting louder and louder and he bit his lip as he entered the suite and marched straight to his room, fingernails biting into his palms as he clenched his fists.  
  
“No,” he growled at himself. He wouldn’t. He _wouldn’t._ He was done with that. He didn’t even own any razors anymore, he couldn’t possibly do it. Sometimes he hated that he couldn’t grow a beard despite his HRT, but it saved him when he didn’t have razors around. No blades. No way to hurt himself.  
  
…. _Shiro_ had razors, though. He could —  
  
“No,” he said aloud again, as if saying it aloud made him stronger, made it more likely that he could resist it. “I will not. I will not. I don’t need it.”  
  
Sucking in a deep breath, he very carefully grabbed his lighter and pack of cigarettes, heading back outside. He needed to do something to calm his nerves, and this would be better than letting himself get worked up in a space where he could get at things that would damage him faster the smoke in his lungs.  
  
Lotor lit up once he was in an area he could do so and sighed after he took a drag, leaning his head back to stare at the sky as the gentle burn of the smoke tickled at his throat. It felt _good_. And better yet, it drove away the negative thoughts, leaving him with a clear mind. He listened the birds that twittered away in the trees in the park around him with a smile on his face.  
  
“This is nice,” he murmured to himself as he started on his third. He found himself with renewed energy after taking this little break, reinvigorated with his desire to ask Lance out and finally find some semblance of happiness in his life.  
  
His life would blow up because of it, but he’d do it. Because it _would_ make him happy, and he’d be able to move on. He just knew it.  
  
Stubbing out the cig, he tossed the butts in the trash and headed back to the campus with a smile on his face and his heart singing in his chest.  
  
Lance spotted him as he came up the dormitory door and waved, holding the door open for him. “Hey there, teddy-bear,” he greeted with a small laugh. “What’re you up to?”  
  
Lotor blushed as he entered the dorm. “Oh, well. I actually was looking for you. I wanted to talk to you,” he admitted.  
  
“Oh, great! I wanted to talk to you too,” Lance said, brightening up and following Lotor up the stairs, “See, I was kinda thinking that… You’re really cute and funny and, like, super suave, and you make my heart go _doki-doki_ so uh, would you go on a date with me?”  
  
Lotor blinked at him, flabbergasted. “Uh. I. Yes! In fact, I… I was about to ask you the same thing,” he admitted with a soft laugh, beaming.  
  
“Oh, well, then, did you know great minds think alike? See, we’re already a great couple,” Lance bragged, grinning. “So, uh, yeah. Dates. Uh. Did you have something in mind?”  
  
“Not really. I just… Forgot to think of what to do. I was too determined to actually get a ‘yes’ first.” Lotor smiled sheepishly.  
  
Lance laughed reaching out and taking Lotor’s hand as they trudged up the stairs to their floor. “Okay, well, I was totally thinking movie date. _Ant-Man 2_ came out recently, if that’s your kind of thing.”  
  
“Oh, I’d love to see it. That sounds perfect,” he agreed easily.  
  
“Cool cool cool. Oh, also, since we’re totally dating now, there’s a cool party being thrown by yours truly on Halloween. We should totally do a couple’s costume. You know I don’t mind wearing dresses and stuff, because they’re fun to wear and I still look totally gorgeous, so I kinda wanted to do _The Princess Bride_? With me as the lovely Princess Buttercup, of course. And you as the devastatingly dashing Dread Pirate Roberts, aka Wesley,” Lance rambled, “What do you think?”  
  
“I’ve never seen _Princess Bride_ ,” Lotor admitted, “Everyone keeps telling me to see it, and yet…”  
  
Lance stared at him. “I have no more classes for the day. What about you?”  
  
“Er, no, I’m good?”  
  
“Then great, you have time to sit down and watch this movie with me,” he said, releasing Lotor’s hand to clap his together. “I have a copy on my laptop, and popcorn to pop. Let’s go.”  
  
A couple hours later, and Lotor was blowing his nose after having a good cry at the movie, trying to ignore the sickening thoughts that danced in his head, trying to invalidate him.  
  
“That was so beautiful. And funny. I was so worried about Wesley at the end there but… They got away. I loved it,” Lotor whispered, drinking some more Coke and eating a few more pieces of popcorn.   
  
“I know, right? It’s _so_ good. Now you see why I wanna go as them, right? I, heh, I’ve already made Buttercup’s dress for me. It shouldn’t be too hard to put together something for Wesley. It’ll be hard to get around your hair, though. Ah, well. It doesn’t matter that much, so long as we’re recognizable. We’re gonna be the _hottest_ couple on campus that day, babe,” Lance said, puffing out his chest proudly.  
  
Lotor raised his brows. “We’ve been technically dating for just over two hours and I’m already babe?”  
  
“Well, yeah. It’s cute,” he said with a grin, leaning into Lotor’s side with a happy sigh, “I like loving nicknames, you know?”  
  
Lotor smiled softly, slipping his arm around Lance. “Yes. I get it. And I like it,” he murmured.  
  
“Cool. So, um.” Lance shifted out from under Lotor’s arm and moved to sit on his knees in front of Lotor with a nervous smile. “I actually… There’s something I want to tell you? Like, long before we get to some weird awkward moment where we were making out and then wanna go have sex, but I tell you then and it turns into a really fucking sad movie or some stupid shit, so.” Lance huffed, crossing his arms, and gave Lotor a very tiny, very shy smile. “I’m trans.”  
  
Lotor’s brow twitched upwards slightly and his heart rate suddenly kicked up. “As in…. You’re transitioning into a woman, or you’re transitioning into a man?” he asked carefully, not wanting to assume either way.  
  
“FTM,” Lance confirmed, “So yeah, I’m good with being a man. Called dude. All that stuff.”  
  
Lotor smiled. “Me too,” he confessed, reaching out to gently take Lance’s hands, “FTM as well. I’ve had top surgery, by the way.”  
  
Lance’s brows rose in shock. “Really? Even with… your dad being, well, who he is?” he asked tentatively.  
  
Lotor winced almost imperceptibly. “It was… not without great personal cost,” he said. “I am… surviving. And this… You… You’re a big decision in my life, Lance. This will change… a lot, for me. But I’ve thought about it for months now, and I don’t wish to go back on this. I want to be _happy_. Whatever comes after.”  
  
Lance swallowed. “ __Oh. O-okay. Uh… how big a decision, exactly? My parents… They were good to me about this. So I…”  
  
Lotor smiled sadly. “I’m glad your family supported you properly, seeing as you still are obviously comfortable enough to wear dresses anyway. My father… He would reject who I am the moment it gets out that I’m dating a man. And he might… out me. And other things. But I have incredible dirt on him, so who knows. As I said, I’ve been thinking about this for months, Lance. Since the moment I met you. And I want to be free to be me, love who I want to love, and not suffer his abuse any longer.”  
  
Lance exhaled softly, staring intently at Lotor. “As long as you’re sure you don’t want to hide us, and you’re ready for this, I’ll be with you. Every step of the way, babe.” He squeezed Lotor’s hands. “Soo… Do you wanna talk about anything else, or just make out a little and come back to this heavy stuff another day?”  
  
Lotor laughed quietly, pulling Lance into his lap. “I think we can shelve the heavy stuff for now. I had a bad day, and I think making out with you would be very, very nice,” he whispered, tentatively pressing their lips together.  
  
Lance made a pleased sound and wrapped his arms around Lotor’s neck, kissing him softly. Oh yeah. He could get used to this.  



	4. Chapter Four

Getting a Dread Pirate Roberts costume wasn’t all that difficult. A couple of online orders, and with Lotor’s Prime account, the free two day shipping had his outfit pieces delivered to his dorm. Thankfully, it all fit just right. Maybe a little tight across the chest, which was an odd sensation. At least he didn’t have to deal with binding.    
  
Though, that did raise questions about what Lance intended to do with his outfit, since he was dressing as a girl, and Lotor had asked about it when they were having one of their date nights.   
  
“Oh, I’m doing her red dress, so I’ll just use my real boobs and pretend I used a bra and inserts. Since that dress doesn’t dip to her cleavage at all,” Lance had elaborated. “It’ll be a little weird to wear a bra, but better than binding and trying to use a bra and inserts over that. Or something silly.”   
  
Lotor had kissed him and the movie they’d been watching totally forgotten about as they slipped into a make-out session.   
  
They weren’t shy about the fact that they were dating, walking around with held hands and openly being affectionate with each other. Some people got nosy and asked directly, others just made their own assumptions. Either way, word was getting around, and it made Lotor nervous. Eventually, something was going to happen, and he knew it would be bad.   
  
He was right.   
  
A couple of days before the Halloween party, it became news. Lotor woke up to articles and photos people had taken of him and Lance, some cuddling, some kissing, all over his social media feeds.   
  
There were outpourings of support that made him smile, but for the most part, his verified social medias were being plastered with slander, considering that he had to be embroiled in Republican bullshit on those thanks to his father. Speaking of him… As of yet, there hadn’t been a response. Lotor hadn’t even gotten a call, but it  _ had  _ just exploded overnight. Still, he couldn’t even bring himself to talk to Lance. People were rooting through everything they could and exposing who Lance was on social media as well. Lotor watched as both of their timelines and feeds slowly filled up with vitriolic content.

_ “Ugh must suck to find out your son @LotorDai is a fuckin fag @SenatorZarkon” _

_ “It’ll be fun to watch ur own dad take away ur marriage rights u stupid queer lol @LotorDai” _

_ “Eww @lancey_pants is a crossdresser too! stupid trannies lmao hope someone rapes him” _

Lotor’s heart nearly stopped in his chest as he read that one. “ _ Quiznak, _ do they ever quit?” he muttered to himself, unable to make himself stop looking.

_ “jfc another one! I wonder tf a guy like @SenatorZarkon raised a little bitch like @LotorDai. lmao maybe we shoud bring back lynching” _

_ “@lancey_pants and @LotorDai are both so gross, ew. Gay AND black?? Ridic lol” _

_ “lol how much u wanna bet @lancey_pants and his family aren’t here legally? deport  _ _ him lol, that should show the dumb fags” _

“I wondered when they’d be racist.” He snorted, rolling his eyes. He continued to scroll, so many of them expressing similar sentiments and many of the comments going into much greater, sickening detail of how these assholes would prefer to have Lotor and Lance raped and murdered.

Zarkon still hadn’t responded to any of it and that made Lotor’s anxiety worse. Between that and the threats that were starting to get very real — he saw discussion in many threads that made him shake slightly. They were getting close to finding out information they shouldn’t have. Like Lance’s address. Some threats weren’t serious, but it was obvious some were real, and plenty of radical assholes were intent on trying to get his boyfriend deported.

“Three weeks. It lasted  _ three weeks _ . I should have known,” Lotor mumbled, trying not to cry. “I can’t… I shouldn’t have ever dragged Lance into this. He’s going to be in serious trouble and it’s all my fault, I didn’t even  _ consider _ the ramifications of us both being brown-skinned. His family is going to get falsely deported and it’s all my fault! I should have known…”   
  
A soft knock at his door startled him and he cleared his throat, trying to school his expression before he opened the door.

“Ah. Shiro. Hello,” he said politely, trying not to sound awkward and failing.

“Lotor, are you… okay?” Shiro asked, furrowing his brow, “I’ve seen… you know, on the internet… Don’t pay so much attention to that negative crap, okay? You’ve still got your friends here, you know that, right?”

Lotor smiled slightly. “Thank you, Shiro. I just… You’d understand if I didn’t feel like going to classes anyway?”

“Yeah. I  _ should _ tell you to go, but I’m not your dad,” he joked before he thought better of it, face freezing in horror.

Lotor chuckled softly, shaking his head. “That actually made me feel better,” he assured Shiro quickly. Even if it was only truth for a moment, it had.

“Alright, well, I’m gonna go. There’s Reese’s peanut butter ice cream in the freezer if you want any. Take care of yourself, okay?” Shiro waved slightly and waited for Lotor’s nod before he picked up his backpack and strode out of the dorm, locking the door behind him.

Lotor sighed quietly and shuffled towards the kitchenette, figuring he may as well have a pint of ice cream while he cried. He nearly chucked his phone across the room when it started ringing. Looking at the screen, he swallowed at the name of his father. Paranoia reared its — usually ugly — head, but this time, it didn’t sound quite so ugly an idea. He tapped the “record call” button before he answered.

“Hello, father,” he greeted as smoothly as he could, hoping his voice didn’t creak, croak, or crack.

“Leilatha.”

Lotor became a statue, frozen entirely with fear at hearing his deadname.

“I’m sure I have your attention,” Zarkon continued when Lotor didn’t reply, “I told you what would happen. And I do not make threats, Leilatha. I make  _ promises.  _ I’m uploading a video to my Facebook and Twitter right now; they’re almost done. It’s my official statement on the matter. I will, of course, seeing as how you’re eighteen, be bribing as many people as I need to change your legal markers back to  _ normal _ since I can’t just do it for you without this mess. Thus, since I have to use my money like  _ this,  _ I will stop any and all payments towards your schooling. You’ll be coming home at Christmastime, and if you think those cigarette burns I gave you were bad, you’ll be  _ begging _ for those when I’m through with you. And that little girly-boyfriend of yours? I’ll be looking into their legalities. It would be interesting to see how quickly I could de-naturalize him and his wretched family.”

“F-Father, please,” Lotor stuttered, not even sure what to say, thoughts scrambling.

“No,” Zarkon cut in, “You knew what the consequences for dating a man would be. You cannot be a transsexual  _ and _ a homosexual; it’s just not done. I’ll be waiting for you at the airport the day after your finals. Don’t even think of running. I have more power than you can imagine, and I will track you down and bring you home kicking and screaming if I have to. And your boyfriend should watch his back.”

With that, Zarkon hung up. The phone dropped from Lotor’s hand and he sobbed, clenching his fists. The thoughts he’d been more or less successfully pushing back against the past few months swarmed his brain, and Lotor felt powerless to fight back against them.

_ Your own fault, you know, _ whispered the sinister voices as Lotor dropped to his knees, sitting on his legs and hugging himself.  _ Lance and his family will get deported illegally. The entire world is about to know who you  _ **_really_ ** _ are. You’re going to have to give up this man-squerade. _

Lotor snorted at the stupid pun even as his nails dug painfully into his shoulders, tears streaming down his face. So what if he had the call recorded? It didn’t matter anyway. His life was  _ ruined;  _ Hell,  _ Lance’s _ life was ruined. Because he was  _ selfish _ . Lance didn’t deserve someone like Lotor in his life.

Maybe it would be better if he disappeared.

_ Of course it would,  _ whispered the sinister voices. Lotor was weak to them.  _ If you disappear, there’s no more suffering for you. There’s no more threat to Lance. Maybe he’d miss you for a few days, but you hardly had time to fall in love. Shiro wouldn’t have to worry about you stealing his razors anymore or waste money on food for you that you’re too scared to buy yourself. Axca, Ezor, Narti, and Zethrid all have each other, and Shiro had his friend group before you. You’re not that important, especially when all you’ve brought to the table is  _ **_pain_ ** _ and  _ **_hurt_ ** _. _

_   
_ The voices swarmed and snarled until Lotor slowly made himself get up, walking unfeelingly to the bathroom. He picked up his phone and mechanically sent out a mass text to his friends.  __ I’m sorry. Goodbye. Then he went into the medicine cabinet and picked up Shiro’s razors before settling into the tub and breaking them open.   
  
He didn’t have the energy for a full blown note, but as he held the blades to his skin,  he figure the text was good enough.   
  
Lotor closed eyes, took a deep breath, and —   
  
*****   
  
Lance groaned as he walked beside Keith on their way back to the dorm, checking twitter again and furiously blocking people left, right, and center and privating his twitter.

“People are fucking ridiculous,” he growled, “ _ Mi familia _ and I have been here for generations. There’s nowhere to deport us  _ to _ . I was born here, my mom and dad were born here. All my siblings were born here and our cousins. We may come from Cuba because our grandparents immigrated, but we belong  _ here! _ Tch. Assholes.”

Keith just sighed and nodded along, letting Lance vent. “I get it, man. People are gonna be racist assholes. You’re gonna be fine. But we should probably go see Lotor. He wasn’t in class earlier.”

Lance nodded, sighing and going to put away his phone, but then a little “ _ mi corazon” _ text jingle rang out and he took his phone back from his pocket and checked the text from Lotor. His blood ran cold at the message and he started sprinting. “Lotor’s in trouble!” he managed to say to a baffled Keith as he hurried to catch up.

Praying that the room would be unlocked, he thundered up the stairs, blowing past a few people who started cussing him out for raising such hell in the hallways, but he ignored them, too focused on getting to Lotor on time. He grappled at the door handle of Lotor and Shiro’s shared dorm, feeling brief relief as the handle turned, and he darted inside.   
  
Keith, close behind, was already pulling out his phone in case he needed to call someone. Lance shot through the small living area and popped into the bathroom, choking on a gasp.   
  
“Call 911, Keith!” he said, voice unnaturally high as he dropped to his knees beside the tub. Lotor laid there, seemingly unconscious, covered in red, the blades still in his limp hands. He scrambled to get towels from under the sink and gritted his teeth as he took one of the blades and started shredding the towels into strips. He felt sick, but he  _ had _ to ignore it, ignore the fact that Lotor’s blood was on him now, because it was about to get worse anyway. He started wrapping up Lotor’s arms with the strips, barely hearing Keith’s call.   
  
The silence rang in his ears more than the sirens by the time they finally pulled up. Lance wasn’t allowed to ride with Lotor, so he hurried to his room for a quick shower and clothes change, not wanting to be covered in Lotor’s own gore by the time he woke up in the hospital.   
  
_ If _ he woke up.   
  
***** **  
** **  
** Lotor slowly woke up, carefully cracking an eye open and grunting at how bright the lights were. And everything was awfully white, too.

  
_ Oh. _ Hospital. He’d… survived. Wincing, he sat up a little and smacked his lips, glancing around the room and at the IV slowly dripping someone else’s blood into his own body. God. He’d backslid  _ hard. _ Given what had happened, he wasn’t surprised but waking up like this was jarring. He hadn’t truly wanted something like this for himself, but he’d fallen.   
  
_ You couldn’t even succeed at this, _ hissed the voices,  _ Now all you’ve done is make everyone  _ **_worry_ ** _ about you. _   
  
“Shut up,” he murmured aloud tiredly, rubbing at his forehead. “At least they  _ care.  _ Father would just sweep this under the rug and pretend like nothing’s wrong.”   
  
Lotor, quite frankly, was done with that attitude. Being rescued… He wanted  _ more _ out of life. He was happy to be saved, dammit, he just… knew it would be a lot of work to actually be  _ okay  _ with it. He’d given in to the voices yesterday. He didn’t want to give in again.  _ Fuck, _ this was scary.   
  
The toilet suddenly flushed and Lotor jumped, staring at the bathroom door and waiting trepidatiously for whoever was in there to come out.   
  
Lance sighed as he exited the bathroom, glancing over to Lotor’s bed and then stopping in his tracks, mouth gaping open.   
  
“Oh my god, babe, you’re awake,” he whispered, hurrying over to Lotor’s side and plopping in the chair by the bed. “Oh my god, you’re okay. I was so worried you wouldn’t… wake up.” He choked on a sob, tears starting to slowly fall down his face.   
  
Lotor blinked at him for a moment and shifted to sitting upright, unsure what to say, before he blurted, “I didn’t want to. Wake up, I mean. All the pain I’ve paused, all the grief… You would have just mourned me for a while and then move on. I wouldn’t be… getting your family in trouble…” He slowed to a stop, hiccuping his own sobs. “But… I  _ did _ wake up. And I want to stay. I want to fight for being alive. I want to fight for  _ you _ . I… I messed up, and I’m going to need a great deal of help, but I want to be alive. I don’t want to miss out on being alive anymore. There’s still so much I could do...”   
  
Lance bent over the bedrail, pressing his forehead to Lotor’s. “I’m gonna help you. I mean, I’m no therapist, but I can still be a supportive boyfriend, right?” he whispered, “I wanna be here for you. You need support. I mean, you have other friends, but like?”   
  
“Darling, of course,” Lotor interrupted gently, cupping Lance’s face with the hand not attached to an IV. “I’ll need you. I’ll need  _ all _ of you. And in case it wasn’t clear, I want to stay your boyfriend… But I’m worried. About your family. About  _ you _ . After I saw how you were getting such hate, such animosity, I...thought if I left they’d leave you alone. But...”   
  
Lance sighed, laying his hand over Lotor’s and giving him a soft smile. “Look, me and my family? We’re gonna be safe. We’re a high profile family now, see, so if any of us randomly go missing, there’s going to be a lot of angry people. Those bastards can try what they want. We know we’re legal and we have all our papers ready to go if someone decides to be a bitch. Plus the uproar.”   
  
Lotor snorted, kissing Lance’s nose briefly. “You’re very sweet, but all that won’t stop me from worrying,” he whispered.   
  
“Me neither,” Lance whispered back. “But still.”   
  
“Mhm. I’m… How long have I been, uh…unconscious?”   
  
“A few hours. It’s only, like, six pm. So it’s dinnertime.”   
  
At the mention of food, Lotor’s stomach growled and he flushed.   
  
Lance laughed softly. “Cute. I’ll go get a doctor, I’m sure they’ll have like, questions and shit. Hopefully you’ll only have to be here for a night.” Returning the nose kiss from earlier, Lance stood and trotted out of the room.   
  
Lotor sighed and laid back, staring up at the ceiling. He had a long, hard road ahead of him, but…he smiled to himself. He was determined to see it through.   
  
*****   
  
Lotor insisted on going to the Halloween party when he was released. Lance worried about him  pushing himself, but Lotor was determined. He wanted  _ positivity  _ in his life, and they’d been planning their couple’s costume for a while. Besides, he’d heard routine was good and keeping to plans you’d already made only made  _ sense. _ _   
_ _   
_ “Alright, alright,” Lance had said as he gave in, smiling softly and shaking his head at his boyfriend. “Promise me if you feel overwhelmed you’ll tell someone, okay?”   
  
“I promise, darling. I want to have good experiences,” he’d replied, kissing Lance chastely. “The party still sounds like a fun idea, as long as I’m careful.” Yes, there would still be fallout to deal with from Zarkon, court cases to go to and fight for himself for once in his pathetic life, but for now, all he wanted was to focus on the present, the good things.   
  
So now, he stood in Lance’s dorm suite, getting dressed in his costume and making sure his bandages were changed before he went out for who knew how long. Lance had rented one of the lounge rooms for the entire night. He probably meant to stay out all night.   
  
He didn’t want to be there the whole night, maybe a few hours. But it was something. And time with Lance, having fun quoting their favorite movie at each other.   
  
Lotor knew things weren’t going to be perfect, not by a long shot, but… He could be at peace with that and still strive to find the fun where he could. And this party sounded  __ amazing .   
  
“Ready to go, my Dread Pirate Roberts?” Lance called out with a grin as he trotted from his room in the beautiful red dress.   
  
“As you wish, Princess Buttercup,” Lotor replied with a teasing grin, adjusting the cowl on his face.   
  
“Then we’re off.” Lance linked his arm through Lotor’s and dragged him away, babbling excitedly about the party games.   
  
Lotor smiled down at him as he listened, feeling… like the future held so much. And he wanted it, so he’d take it and spit in his father’s face.   
  
He’d be happy. He just knew it.   



End file.
